The Graveyard

The Lair Of Gary James

Posts Tagged ‘celebrity’

“Bread And Circuses” – The Future Of Celebrity Television

Posted by BigWords on February 10, 2010

Despite the lacklustre Celebrity Big Brother being taken off the air for good (hopefully), there doesn’t seem to be any end in sight for shows featuring jobbing nonentities posing as “celebrities”. Lets face facts – shows featuring these alleged celebrities have been done to death, and no matter what new twists are introduced into stale formats, nothing is going to increase interest above the steady beep of a flatline. It is far past time to shake things up, and reintroducing people to the wonderful and life-enhancing spectacle of the Roman Empire’s one great gift to culture may be the way to go. You might think that Gladiators (or American Gladiators to those in the colonies) is cool – which it isn’t – but it hardly lives up to its’ name.

Where are the lions? Where is the bloodshed? The show doesn’t even come close to living up to its’ name.

We need the UK’s very own millionaire arch-bastard, manipulator of truth, and cynical exploiter of the vulnerable and weak – Simon Cowell is the man best positioned to usher in a new golden age of celebrity-focused shows. He’s amoral enough to see the potential of thinning out the ranks of the deluded, the has-beens, and the never-were’s, and I have just the vehicle for him. The idea is simplicity squared, though nobody else would dare come up with such a radical departure from the tried and mistrusted formulae which so many shows prefaced by the word celebrity rely on. We should look to the glory and splendor of the arena… Where even the most untalented one-hit-wonder will be able to regain a sliver of dignity before their untimely demise.

A big arena… eight celebrities armed to the teeth with swords, maces, javelins, nets and shields… One survivor victor to walk away with the greatest prize imaginable – their career life…

Who, you ask, could possibly take part? Well, nobody is really going to miss the Krankies. Or Cannon and Ball, Dame Edna, Pamela Anderson, The Hoff, that stuttering waste of oxygen from Pop Idol (no, I didn’t bother learning his name), or even Paris Hilton. Only the lowliest and most untalented need apply. Hell, stick Melinda Messenger in there with an axe and you’ll have a first-rate fight on your hands. The Russell Crowe film Gladiator was a success for a reason, and that reason is very easy to work out – people like watching other people get their heads caved in. It doesn’t take a genius to work out that by adding celebrities (however minor and uninteresting they may be) you’ll have something that is really worth watching.

Is this unreasonable? Well… No. Considering how Channel 5 have already shown Cheggers (now there is someone whom I’d pay to watch getting ripped apart by lions) in the buff and Abi Titmuss tossing off a pig, I doubt that many people would consider blood sports being brought back a dip in quality. Considering how cheap the show would be to make – what with there being only one contestant to pay off at the end of a series – this could be the very thing that saves British television.

If only the title Celebrity Death Match hadn’t already been taken…


Posted in Misc., Over The Line | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

Scientology Is A Fraud

Posted by BigWords on October 27, 2009


You might have been paying attention to the news. Maybe not. There is a lot of shit being passed off as news these days, so finding things of importance can be rather tiring, and separating the idiocy from the actual news is more skill than luck. I’m very pleased to report that a piece of actual news – real, important NEWS – has been slipped out between the stories of skateboarding dogs and pictures of celebrities who have experienced ‘wardrobe malfunctions. Yes, it’s some actual world-affirming news… Yay.

Scientology is a fraud.


News sources are not great places to find news, but it turns out cheese-eating surrender-monkeys the French courts have laid down the decree with due seriousness (something L. Ron Hubbard’s books lack). Alain Rosenberg, the head of the French arm of the cult religion has pooh-poohed the decision and the fine. It’s kinda irrelevant to their operations elsewhere, but it is a sign that not everyone has been brainwashed by their insane blithering about aliens and other nonsense. Is it too early get the party poppers out? Maybe.

It amused me no end to discover that the “church” has a Celebrity Centre. What the fuck? Is that where they teach people how to be shallow, egocentric and abusive towards minions? Damn, I guess that explains a lot about the state of modern celebrities.

Tommy Davis, spokesman for the Church of Scientology International, told BBC News that the court had acted “in total violation of the European Convention on Human Rights and French constitutional guarantees on freedom”. Yeah, that would be the very same European Convention on Human Rights which has been abused by rapists, murderers and pedophiles to get their convictions quashed. You’re in great company guys.

There wasn’t any reference to Tom Cruise’s sexuality in the article, but I suppose someone might have stressed (just to make sure the “truth” was printed) that he ain’t a raving queen. Fine. <SARCASM>Tom Cruise is 100% straight. </SARCASM> Of course, it would be incredibly childish for me to post that picture of John Travolta snogging a man, for no better reason than I can, so…

Scientology Is Gay

*cough* Yeah, so there’s that, and it brings up an interesting question… Do you have to be gay to be a Scientologist, or is it merely coincidence that two of the big names in the cult religion swing that way?


Posted in Over The Line | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Maybe I’m Missing The Point, But…

Posted by BigWords on October 14, 2009

…I Don’t Understand The Appeal Of Celebrity Autographs

It’s something that bothers me when I browse e-Bay, and I’m not sure if it is an area that has mass appeal or is a niche, but the numerous signed photographs of celebrities has me thinking that I’m not up to speed with things. Why would anyone want the chicken-scrawl (rushed, so as to get rid of the person demanding their John Hancock) of a person who sensible individuals would cross the road to avoid.

Looking at the selection of signatures available on the internet has surprised me, with some names who I consider to be merely ‘infamous’ labelled as celebrities. Politicians are celebrities now? I know Tony Blair acted like one, but do we really need to inflate the egos of folks who already believe themselves to be above the law? And television presenters? A job which consists of reading from a screen doesn’t qualify someone as a celebrity.

The addition of sportsmen was nice, and it reminded me that not all premiership players are knuckle-dragging, dribbling, mentally deficient perverts, though the fair majority undoubtedly are just that. Some (okay, a handful) can actually write their name without the aid of a crayon. The autographs even look like they are spelled correctly, so I’m very impressed. Here I was thinking all footballers did was kick balls around and have sex with impressionable girls.

The prices being asked for these types of collectibles are astonishing. The idea that a person’s signature can be worth money is one I’m not completely unfamiliar with (I have a dozen or so signed books), but asking money for a bit of paper – or a photograph – with a signature on it is ridiculous. It isn’t like Wayne Rooney has ever accomplished anything with his life except bag a grandmother… Hardly an achievement.

While everyone else is begging for autographs, I normally do what comes naturally when ‘celebrities’ are around – I’ll pretend they don’t exist. That really pisses them off. And whenever a celebrity addresses you, it is worth remembering that they already consider themselves to be the center of the universe. Stupid celebrities will often say “Don’t you know who I am,” to which the only reasonable response is pretending you have no idea who they are.

Don’t pay for bits of worthless paper. Use the money to buy signed books by real authors… Celebrity autobiographies, as we should all know by now, are hardly ever written by the people on the front cover.

…The Obsession People Have With Celebrities Is Dumb

I don’t follow any actors, or singers, or… Whatever the Hilton bimbo does – it ain’t acting, ’cause I saw her film. I don’t read all of their interviews, or follow their Twitter feed, or check out their Facebook status, or any of the other multitude ways in which they pollute media with vacuous views and inane self-publicity in the vain hope that their lives will one day have some kind of meaning. They won’t.

Celebrities, as far a I can tell, are a side-effect of magazine and newspaper editors dumbing down their content in order to sell advertising space in their rags. They exist solely for their own benefit, and when they do try and give something back to society they normally misjudge things horribly. Anyone else remember a host of idiots celebrities appearing in a spoof appeal to save an elephant whose trunk got stuck up its’ ass?

And I, for one, have had quite enough of Bono trying to save the world.

The constant exposure which a handful of individuals receive has made the ‘career’ (ha!) of celebrity rather less impressive than it was half a century ago. The golden age of cinema was filled with more real celebrities than has existed in all the time since. Can you really compare someone like Rutger Hauer to Humphrey Bogart, or Piddly Diddly to Johnny Cash? It isn’t even a contest. Modern celebrities are useless.

The arrest (and continued detainment) of Polanski just proves how different times are. In the good old days the studio head would have bought off the powers of law enforcement, yet modern studios can’t even organize a half-decent cover-up. Whenever I see a ‘must-see film’ being advertised, normally big-budget and soulless works of inanity, I get a bit more cynical. There is going to come a time when I’m unable to look at a periodical altogether…

If anyone wants to defend celebrities, I’ll be waiting patiently with more ammunition for my argument… You can’t say I didn’t warn you.

Posted in Misc., Over The Line, writing | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

R.I.P. Farrah Fawcett

Posted by BigWords on June 25, 2009

2 / 2 / 1947 – 25 / 6 / 2009

fawcettForever Hot

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