The Graveyard

The Lair Of Gary James

Marketing The Bible

Posted by BigWords on March 19, 2011

It occurred to me earlier today that the decreased attendance in churches has nothing to do with the basic message of the Bible, but the way in which the message is perceived. The image of churches is stuck in a fantasy world which is completely unrelatable to the majority of people, so anything that comes with the baggage of religion is immediately regarded as stodgy and as out of date as the clothing and rituals. Having spent a bit of time thinking about this, I realized that there was some merit in using commercial marketing ideas as a starting point to revitalize religion. What twelve-year-old child is going to relate to Jesus? None of them. The answer to this problem is simple – stick copies of the Superman trade-paperbacks collecting the Doomsday and Reign Of The Supermen sagas in front of them instead of bibles. It’s pretty much the same story (without, perhaps, the cyborg Henshaw), and it isn’t as if most people would know the difference.

The Ten Commandments are another area which needs work – ten simply isn’t a good number to use. It’s too high for a nifty mnemonic, and it is too low for the Pokémon trend of collecting variants and new cards. There should be a new commandment released each year, preferably coinciding with a tie-in computer game, comic book and cheaply made Saturday-morning cartoon (killing off the characters at the end of each season to encourage children to buy the new action figures to coincide with the new season), and limited edition commandments for the elite collecting market. If it wasn’t already taken, the “Gotta Collect ‘Em All” line would have been a perfect way to get children interested in the Ten(-Thousand) Commandments… And that’s without mentioning the associated action figures. Oh yes… I really have put some thought into this.

Action Jesus – Ready To Smite. Which, while I’m thinking about it, could have an awesome theme song based around the concept…

ACTION JESUS DESERT WARFARE PACK!!!

ACTION JESUS WITH ROCKET LAUNCHER!!!

ACTION JESUS SOUL RESCUE MODE WITH ASSAULT RIFLE!!!

GLOW-IN-THE-DARK JESUS – BACK FROM THE UNDEAD!!!

JOHN THE BAPTIST SCUBA-GEAR AND MINI-SUBMARINE!!!

LUCIFER, WITH AK-47 AND 3 PULL-APART MINIONS!!!

MARY, WITH INTERCHANGEABLE WEREWOLF HEAD!!!

“THE LITTLEST WHOREHOUSE” FULL INN PLAYSET!!!

Y’see, kids don’t want the tolerance and preaching. They want shit blowing up, they want overly-muscled men beating on each other in bloodless carnage which gives them the release they will eventually discover, upon puberty, with the mindless action films of Stephen Seagull and Jean-Claude Van Damn-Is-He-Still-Acting. By combining the best elements of He Man, Mask, Transformers, GI Joe and Thundercats (and making Mary hot for a change), the product will sell itself. Churches could have merchandise instead of the rather outdated “charity collections” – and really, would you rather have a cheap plastic action figure for your money rather than eternal salvation? Of course you would…

If anyone at the Vatican is interested in this exciting proposal, contact me immediately. I even have plans for a sequel to the bible… The plot threads hanging over from the original Bible are calling out for a blockbuster publishing sensation to rival the success of The Da Vinci Code.

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9 Responses to “Marketing The Bible”

  1. Squeaky said

    *falls off chair laughing*

  2. Haggis said

    You realize, of course, there really is an Action Jesus. 🙂 http://retrotoys.com/images/JesusAction.jpg
    You may have to split your profits.

  3. bigwords88 said

    But that action figure doesn’t have an assault rifle and fatigues backing up his Good Words. 😀

  4. Now that’s hilarious!

    I can’t get Mary with a werewolf head out of my mind now. 🙂

  5. bigwords88 said

    I WIN. 😀

  6. Diane Amy said

    Hilarious! Glad I discovered this article. I happened upon it from a different one you just posted to the AW have you updated your blog thread.

    I love the spin you take on how to market the bible to today’s more jaded world, and especially kids. Reminds me of something else I read recently. The two of you should get together and collaborate!
    http://inspiredbycaffeinenicotine.blogspot.com/2011/02/dumb-men-of-bible-part-i.html

    Thanks again for a great laugh!

  7. bigwords88 said

    Thanks. 🙂 That link is hilarious.

    There’s a whole raft of people stepping up to this subject at the moment, as a response (or maybe a backlash) against the kind of idiocy employed by The Westboro Baptist Church, among other people, who are dragging religion into the gutter with their reading of the text. One of these days I’ll eventually get around to properly setting to the main problems of extremists, but these occasional nudges are sufficient to get across the frustration I’m feeling.

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