The Graveyard

The Lair Of Gary James

Halo Made The News?

Posted by BigWords on August 27, 2010

It’s that time of year again, when eager otaku wet themselves in anticipation of a game which will no doubt fail to deliver, yet still froth at the mouth when a leaked copy of the game makes the rounds. Yawn. Apparently people haven’t learned their lessons from Half Life 2, because the already-yawnworthy Halo: Reach-Around – sorry Halo: Reach – has the rabid fans (and by rabid I do mean the foaming-at-the-mouth sense) to spare. God knows why, for a series built on the dubious premise of killing aliens because… Well, I guess because they are aliens. Yes, it’s one of those games. They might as well call the game Young Aryans In Space and be done with it, because the tone of the game is essentially “kill everyone who isn’t one of us.” The horrible and offensive plot is nothing compared to the awful graphics of the first two games. Sinister undertones are commonplace in FPS releases, but there is no excuse for ugly.

Microsoft is already taking action to fix the problem, but for the millions of twelve year old boys who live and breathe the game (anyone older will undoubtedly see the Heinleinian bullshit for what it is) it isn’t exactly a concern. Jeez, the sooner Halo fans get laid, the better. This is really your generation’s Uplink? The new Deus Ex? The “greatest achievement of gaming thus far?” Fuck. It’s a shallow, fascist, wank-fantasy about the superiority of humans, with a plot that probably makes complete sense to the immature fanbase, but it really is beyond even my ability to to summarize. The main character (an action figure whose poses elicit laughs rather than impressed gasps) is as paper-thin as the physics of the ridiculous Halo itself, a physics-breaking gameplay environment that seems to have been designed on the back of a napkin.

Oh ye merciless gods, there are even books about the twat in the shiny plastic suit whose adventures we are meant to care about. The Master-Race Chief is a self-styled hardass who seems to be mute. Or brain-dead. Maybe both. The rest of the human characters are as ill-defined as

…fuck this. I really don’t care. Seriously. How did this even become news? I’ll do the exactly the same damn thing I did with Halo, Halo 2 and Halo 3 – I’ll wait a few months, then pick up a copy at Gamestation for £4.99. I’m not wasting good money on shit like that. Excuse me while I go off and play something more worthy of my time…


3 Responses to “Halo Made The News?”

  1. Madeleine said

    Ooh… harsh. You sure are dishing out the hate today. ;D Don’t let my little brother see this. He plays Halo. (But I have to say he’s not an idiot.) I think he’s leaning more toward Modern Warfare now…

  2. bigwords88 said

    Having played through three hours of the third game in preparation for this post, I can assure you that this is the cleaned up version. 🙂

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