The Graveyard

The Lair Of Gary James

It’s That Time Of Year Again…

Posted by BigWords on December 5, 2009

Christmas, huh? It makes people go completely nuts, and for what?

I ventured forth onto the high street yesterday, and was amazed to see the town crawling with people. It was almost a scene out of a zombie flick, with the mindless husks of former people shuffling along towards their ultimate goal. Not brains, thank fuck, but cheap crap. They pile their shopping trolleys full of the nastiest, most foul food they can find, the worst DVD’s they can get their hands on – just because a Uwe Boll DVD is only £1.99, doesn’t mean it’s any better than at full price – and expect the hole in their soul will be filled thanks to excessive and idiotic purchasing.

Wrong. Filing the hole deep in your essence is what cocaine is for.

I hate Christmas, especially because of the universe’s fun and games at my expense. Want to play along, and see who has the worst luck at this time of year? Fine. Let me start with a minor annoyance and work my way up to full-on cataclysm as this post progresses.

The minor annoyance is the television. Or, rather, the beige box which used to be a television, but which is now an oversized paperweight. It started acting strange on Wednesday, which was – not unsurprisingly – two weeks to the day that the five-year guarantee ran out. It made a wheezing sound, then had a fit of some kind. The sound, thereafter, was out of synch with the visuals. It continued on for a while, but the signs were obvious – it was on life support, and fading fast. When I switched it on this morning I was presented with a black screen and the sound of a mouse caught in the back of the television.


Loud enough to make me spill my coffee down the front of my shirt, and setting me off on a bad mood from which no amount of swearing and stomping around will bring me out of. It’s almost as if they make the damn things so that they are designed to break after they fall out of guarantee. What is it with Goodmans televisions anyway? This is the second one I’ve got my hands on, and they seem to self-destruct at an alarming rate. The first, which was dead on arrival, obviously came from the “no refund” pile at the back of the store, but luckily I bought the five-year plan. All was sorted, and the replacement arrived within two weeks.

I’m sure they stack televisions in piles according to when they expire, because they always manage to stay operational until the moment that they are no longer covered by insurance. It’s a pain in the ass, especially since I now have to contend with the yahoo’s running around trying to get all of their Christmas shopping done at the last possible moment. Thank you Goodmans. Now, if I could only work out how to hook up my Freeview box to my computer monitor…

But that isn’t the best part of my week.

It turns out that the job I was expecting to waltz into again is no longer there for me. Which means that my non-existent savings will have to stretch further than ever before, adding pressure to my already maxed-out credit card. I knew that there was the possibility that there would be a reshuffle within the company due to the economic climate, but this came straight out of the blue. I was promised a position by someone who no longer works there, so I’m not gonna make a scene.

Even better…

My brother called and told me that his apartment manager has given him a two month notice. Over Christmas, when everything is closed, it will be impossible to get a place set up. It appears I may have him, his SO, and their kid coming to stay for an unspecified length of time at some point in January. Fucking marvelous. I want my family to feel that my door is always open to them, but I never expected any of them would be foolish enough to accept my implied invitation. The timeframe for this event is worryingly vague, and I have the feeling that there may not be enough time to hide all of my first editions, rare comics, and enough DVDs to open a Blockbusters. Everyone knows what kids are like, and my niece isn’t getting anywhere near my Gold Key collection…

It’s below zero here. There is a layer of ice on the windows, and the garden is covered in a blanket of frost. My television is dead, I have no job, there are family members coming to stay, and I haven’t slept in three days. I can’t think of a better excuse to ban this ridiculous holiday immediately.

Bah, humbug…


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