The Graveyard

The Lair Of Gary James

The Worst Films Ever Made? Not Quite…

Posted by BigWords on October 18, 2009

This morning I spent five or six hours browsing various forums in the hope that some ideas would miraculously come to me, but things have been quiet all over. Jeez, where is everyone? Some forums have become ghost towns these days, and I’m not just referring to small and underpopulated ones. In an effort to distract myself from the forthcoming apocalypse month of writing ahead of me, I decided it might be a good idea to watch a film.

There are plenty of DVDs to choose from, amongst a rapidly expanding collection of pretty much anything and everything, but I decided to stick with a couple of films I had remembered loving when I first bought them. Unfortunately I soon realized that my brain had filled in gaps and added scenes that weren’t in the films, polishing them up a bit and making them into classics of the low-budget bargain bin. Jeez, I should have known better than to trust my memories of them.

The Exterminator, a schlocky revenge movie with a very miscast Christopher George, seemed to be even cheaper than an Ass-ylum flick. I wanted to enjoy the ludicrous violence and stupid plot, but I simply couldn’t muster the energy to accept the obvious deficiencies. It was painful to watch the film, as I know that revenge movies can transcend the ghetto of low budget filmmaking. Maybe it was just because I wasn’t in the mood, maybe it was the poor transfer, but there is nothing to bring me back to the film again…

Though I kinda enjoyed Spontaneous Combustion, Tobe Hooper’s dumb pyrokinetic horror flick, I felt there was something missing. Brad Dourif, an actor who is no stranger to low budget films, is always watchable, but somehow looked like he wasn’t on top form. I’ve heard a lot of real hostility to the film expressed, and while I acknowledge that Hooper isn’t exactly the greatest director, the negativity people have for this film seems overkill. It isn’t bad. It isn’t great either, and that is the problem.

I’ve wasted most of the day on these films, and I still haven’t kicked off any ideas that might be of use for my NaNo.


I even tried (re-)reading the awful-yet-hilarious Vittorio, yet Anne Rice’s most overblown and melodramatic novel is still to ridiculous to contemplate reading in the mood I’m in. Sixty pages is the most I have ever managed, but today I barely got past page twenty, which probably says more about my patience than it does about the book.

There isn’t even any decent television shows to keep me occupied while I try to tick away the days until I can begin to put words down for my New Idea… Though it would be kinda neat if I actually had a decent idea to go with the title of New Idea. Watching DVDs and (failing to) read books isn’t helping in the slightest, though I do have plenty of ideas as to what I’m gonna avoid like an ebola-infected chimpanzee. Today might not have been completely wasted, as there are still things to learn from bad stories.

There’s no point in playing with pseudoscience when I’m trying to make things easier on myself. Telekinesis (and the variations thereof) has a lot of problems that would need twisty-turny dialogue to explain. The revenge threads that have run through some of my previous stories is feeling rather used up, and I don’t think I have much more to say about that, so I’m now stumped as to the driving force which will propel a character (who hasn’t presented him or herself) through a world (which has yet to solidify) with some semblance of logic.

I’ll keep thinking on stories, and hopefully won’t have to resort to a collection of short stories for my NaNo.


If anyone is wondering what the worst film ever made is, and many people have valid suggestions as to that particular answer, I’ll give you five of what I consider the worst…

  1. Batman & Robin
  2. Transformers: Rise Of The Fallen
  3. Tank Girl
  4. Fantastic Four (Roger Corman)
  5. Howard The Duck

Feel free to argue amongst yourselves. I’m off to brainstorm…


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