The Graveyard

The Lair Of Gary James

Memory Is A Strange And Alien Land

Posted by BigWords on October 15, 2009

Memory is really strange. It’s almost another level of existence, and I’ve had good experience of those thanks to the use of substances of less than legal status. I can’t help but remember the strange events I have been witness to (and part of), but when I attempt to remember something important that needs to be recalled I’m left stranded. Things slip away like sand through my fingers, and I really hope that it isn’t a sign of early onset dementia.

My screwed up memories consist mainly of the everyday, but therein lies the problem. Did I have breakfast this morning? I’m not sure. Did I remember to unpack the groceries? Gee… I would have to go downstairs to check for sure, but I really don’t know. It has been like this for a few months, and I’m sure that it is down to the constant level of stress, walking, and a workload that just won’t quit.

My brains are turning to shit.

Waitasec. Before you start commiserating and hoping that I can get my brain in gear soon, think about this for a second. I can live in the moment without trying. This moment – right now – is all that really exists. I can drag up random events if need be, but I’m now able to box off the insane stuff and concentrate on writing and having a bit of fun. The extra hours in the day that I have thanks to insomnia are now being put to use.

I’m not sure how it is going to manifest in my NaNo scribbles, but I’m sure I can zone the world out for an hour and come up with a bucket o’ genius from the well of subconscious. Maybe I’ll manage to find Hoffa while I’m down there – there’s all sorts been chucked down that particular hole in the ground. Hell, I’ll probably resurface with the basis for a full novel if I try really hard. Not sayin’ it’ll be readable, still…

The one specific chunk of weirdness which keeps reappearing on the back of my eyes is the memory of an old film. Or maybe it was a television show… I can remember a blind guy standing at the top of some stairs, and a girl (his daughter perhaps) arriving at the house. Then he falls down the stairs. That’s it. The sum total of memories from a specific film. It has happened like this a lot recently, and I’m not 100% sure I didn’t just make it up.

Does that fucking film even exist? Not sure.

I also have a chunk of a novel stuck in my memory banks concerning a heist which is endlessly discussed, but no actual robbery takes place. Though I may have simply stopped reading after a certain point in the book, or lost the book. It’s not like I keep a great record of my day-to-day activities, and lots of stuff slips through the cracks. Maybe having a log of my activities – a diary possibly – would be a good idea.

Only… I would never write in the important stuff. It would just be another thing, like this blog – which details my frustrations, annoyances, meanderings and crazy-ass nonsense – to fill in daily. I would never manage to keep to the purpose of the excercise. It would be a new definition of pointlessness. I did try, several years ago, to keep a diary. It was the early nineties, and became a critique of the television I watched rather than anything useful.

I can’t stay on-track for more than a short time. It isn’t a fault, and it certainly isn’t a strength, it just is. Some people can stay focused in on things, others can’t. Somehow, despite the wonderful tools and technologies that exist, there is little that can keep me from having the occasional brain-fart. Yes, that is the technical term – I looked it up.

By the time I hit the ‘Publish’ button, I’ll probably have forgotten that I posted this.


4 Responses to “Memory Is A Strange And Alien Land”

  1. Hey, I found your blog while searching on Google. I have a blog on online stock trading, I’ll bookmark your site.

  2. Savannah said

    Awesome blog!

    I thought about starting my own blog too but I’m just too lazy so, I guess Ill just have to keep checking yours out.

  3. Polprav said

    Hello from Russia!
    Can I quote a post in your blog with the link to you?

  4. bigwords88 said

    Quote away. 😀

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