The Graveyard

The Lair Of Gary James

Imagination Not Required

Posted by BigWords on September 2, 2009

The incestuous and necrophilic nature of Hollywood isn’t limited to the employment of cast and crew, and as the remakes and sequels keep on coming we will undoubtedly be subjected to more freakish displays than ever before. There is a list of upcoming horror films at horror-movies.ca which are remakes, reboots and continuations of beloved and ignored films alike. The list is quite comprehensive, though I warn you before you click the link… It will depress you.

Do not look at the list if you have suicidal tendencies.

Some of the choices beggar belief, and the decision-making abilities of the studios really need to be looked into in more depth at some point. The first film which jumped out at me – being perfectly cast and directed impeccably – is Battle Royale. Merely contemplating the notion that a Hollywood hack will transform this into yet another Escape From New York knock-off is enough to cause permanent erectile dysfunction, but the good news is that no news is forthcoming.

Hopefully it gets the rug pulled from under it, and the actors can go back to shooting 90210.

“Meh”, the creator of the list, admits to not having seen The Crazies, George A. Romero’s 1970s critique of the military disguised as a horror-thriller. The themes are along the same lines as Shivers, with the “youwannafuck” prompt coming from a toxin rather than a parasite. Interestingly, both Shivers and The Crazies share a common cast member in Lynn Lowry, but that is straying from the point. The point being-

Any remake of The Crazies will be a pale and hollow imitation.

And (for future reference) Breck Eisner isn’t fit to lick clean Romero’s testicles, never mind film a remake of one of his masterpieces. Have you seen Sahara? Is there anything in that abortion of a movie that makes you think he’s capable of directing a feature film? He’ll be back to directing television pilots if (sorry… when) he fucks this up.

I mentioned Escape From New York, so I should point out that it is also on the list. If they keep Kurt Russell it will be worth seeing, but the feeling of dread which emanates from the cesspool of originality that is Hollywood makes me think otherwise. If Snake Plissken is recast, as may be the case, then this deserves to be ignored and ridiculed relentlessly. Does the list get any better? Uh… No. Sorry.

The list gets worse. How much worse? Let’s try this out for size…

Hellraiser. The endless sequels, each one worse than the previous, eventually eroded any respect the character of Pinhead had, but the original is a classic. The film is a bit rough around the edges, but to need a remake after only twenty years is insane. Pascal Laugier, a French director, is set to direct this one. At least it wasn’t his inept countryman Fuckof, sorry… Pitof that was tapped for the project.

Small mercies, eh?

Invasion Of The Bodysnatchers is also being remade. Again. For what seems like the seventh or eight time. I’ve no idea why there is a need to remake this or Piranha, which is also on the list and which has also been remade to death. Both films appearing on a remake schedule might be one of the signs of the apocalypse…

A surprising fact about A Nightmare On Elm Street – given the fact that pedophilia is a major plot point – is that Victor Salva won’t be directing. It strikes me as a missed opportunity for a clever marketing campaign, which may have made the news of a remake interesting rather than soul-destroying. I would be amazed if “Jump Street” is willing to revisit the franchise, given how busy he is with real movies, but I live in hope.

Plan 9 From Outer Space being included is a joke, right?

I have no idea what drugs producers are using, but I want some of their insanity-inducing pills…

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