The Graveyard

The Lair Of Gary James

“They’re Dutch… They’ll Never Know The Difference.”

Posted by BigWords on September 1, 2009

It turns out that a chunk of “moon rock” which was passed off on Dutch Prime Minister Willem Drees back in the sixties, during the spaceboys tour the three Apollo-11 astronauts took in 1969, is actually a chunk of petrified wood. Which raises as many questions as anything NASA gets up to…

Without needlessly taking the piss out of the Dutch, maybe NASA figured the country wasn’t important enough. It’s not as if they are involved in bleeding-edge technology, showing the world how advanced they are. Then again, it might have been a horrendous cock-up, seeing as how carrying bits of wood in your pockets is a perfectly sane thing to do. The astronaut that handed over the wood must have poked around in the wrong pocket.

Or they were deprived of oxygen on the space flight and went a little wacko.

It’s hard to take seriously as a news story, but that is how the modern world works. Minor incidents are blown up into major events because some asshole thinks that the world really, truly, honestly, needs to know. Not that honesty is in the vocabulary of most newscasters. But back to NASA, and the reasons they might have organized a prank on a country which is obviously not as smart as the U.S. of “Wahey, lookit how smart we are.”

What did the astronauts actually do on the moon? We can’t tell for sure, as some secrets are secret, but I’m willing to bet they did more than bounce around and plant flags. The possibilities are endless, but for starters you have to consider the following:

  • Planted transmitters to fool SETI wannabes with gobbledygook communications. And interstellar flame-wars.
  • Planted dinosaur bones on the moon to piss off creationists even further.
  • Organized boulders into a ‘Help’ message pattern to confuse astronomers.
  • Performed Dukes Of Hazzard moves in the moon-buggy for home movies.
  • “Experimented” to see if the ‘fart in an air-lock’ hypothesis was accurate.

Was NASA being run by teenagers? The only thing that prevents me from making that assumption is the fact that the astronauts who were picked weren’t “really hot babes” who looked great in silver. Still, the petrified wood question brings me back to wondering about their sanity. They sound like the kind of guys who giggle every time Uranus is mentioned, making faces at the flight instructor and saying “He who smelt it, dealt it.”

The idea of sending morons into space is an interesting one, and I’m certain that France will oblige us by trying out their “essential experiments” when they get the opportunity. It’s absolutely imperative that we know which wines go best with the space rations. Or which cheeses are best for space flights. Or how to seduce a woman in zero-G.

When we manage to work out the ways in which our little robotic friends can operate without any human assistance, we’ll get much more reliable data from space, until then… Well, just hope that there are no Vulcans out there shaking their heads and tutting.

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