The Graveyard

The Lair Of Gary James

I Am Joe Jonas

Posted by BigWords on July 10, 2009

Yeah. I’m the real Joe Jonas. Who wants to argue?

Only… I have no idea who the whiny, slack-jawed cracker is. I had to do a Google search after Spamwarrior began writing about the Jonas Brothers, a band whose name sounds more or less like they couldn’t have come up with a better name – here ya go, kids: The Fuckups. Feel free to use the name on your new album.

Jeez, this is what passes for a musician these days? The brothers look like characters rejected from a Texas Chainsaw Massacre sequel because they look too hillbilly. As for their musical ability… Actually, I have no need whatsoever to permenantly damage whatever hearing I have left. Just looking at photographs of them is enough to make me feel ill. Is this the future of music? Should I shoot myself now, or when they release a ‘Best Of’ compilation…

So… As it turns out, the Dumbass Brothers have actually had a few hits already. I have (mercifully) missed their Alvin & The Chipmunks impersonations so far, though it appears they are being marketed to teenage girls. Why? Are teenage girls easily tricked into spending cold, hard cash on CD’s by Deliverance types who make Billy Ray Cyrus look good in comparison?

It’s the first sign of the Apocalypse. I swear we’re all doomed.

It’s interesting to see how many people are willing to pretend they are, indeed, Joe-Bob Jonas. Why? So they can get into teenage girls’ pants? So they can get free stage passes? So they can… What? I don’t get the fascination with the kid. He’s so far from interesting that his Wikipedia page mentions his appearance in a telemovie called Camp Rock. How camp is he? Hell, I’ll watch it if he’s as camp as the title suggests.

Joey, here’s some free advice:

Throw televisions out of hotel windows. Drive a Rolls Royce into a swimming pool. Take five hookers up to your hotel room.



2 Responses to “I Am Joe Jonas”

  1. PickFour said

    I’d try and concentrate on legitimate music rather than… um, yeah them. No I don’t get the infatuation of him and his brothers but so help me god I can assure you that that is NOT the future of music. I will not let that happen to this world…


  2. bigwords88 said

    There’s an old maxim which runs something like “We do what we can, when we can.”

    So we should all stand united against the kibble encroaching on popular culture. Everyone with me? Great… Run out and buy a Hendrix CD. Or get a Stones compilation. Led Zepplin or The Who, it doesn’t matter.

    Keep the Jonas freaks out of the charts. We owe it to society.

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