The Graveyard

The Lair Of Gary James

Everybody’s Dead

Posted by BigWords on June 26, 2009

“Yes, it’s breaking news… All life, everywhere, is now dead. There isn’t anything or anyone left… We’re just waiting on confirmation from CNN.”

If you’re reading that wondering what the fuck I’m talking about, then you really haven’t been paying much attention. In the wake of Farrah Fawcett’s untimely death, then Michael Jackson passing on, it seems that the internet has developed a taste for the macabre and salacious gossip of other celebrities dying. There are rumours spreading of the deaths of multiple celebrities in disease-related deaths, accidents, murders and other unconfirmed means. It doesn’t matter if they are dead or not – gossip-mongering fuckwits are rubbing their hands at the thought of breaking the “news”.

So you might be wondering who these internet ghouls are targeting, right? Pretty much every Hollywood star is fair game. “Haven’t seen his face around town in the last twenty minutes… Yeah, he must be dead.” The list of ‘alleged’ deaths is running so high that (if the perfect storm of bullshit were to be believed) the chiefs of the big production companies must be hitting the coke and vikes pretty hard right about now. C’mon, how would you feel if every single actor on the planet died in the space of twenty-four hours?

It’s a bunch of spotty, overweight shits, sitting at their computers and making up ever more elaborate and perverted means for their heroes to meet their maker…

“Hey, did you hear about Jeff Goldblum? He fell on the set of his new film and died…”

“That’s nothing. Richard Gere’s corpse was found naked in a hotel room, and there were hamsters running all around the body.”

“I heard that Colin Farrell died in a plane crash. There were loads of nuns and sick children aboard it. It exploded in mid-air…”

“So-fucking-what… Elvis came back from the dead, did a concert in Memphis, then blew his brains out with a shotgun.”

How much longer will we have to wait before the elaborate game of one-upmanship culminates in rumours of the entire cosmos disappearing into a black hole, with every single life form in the universe being made extinct at the same time? It isn’t exactly rocket science, and all a person needs to do to work out if the chit chat is based in fact, or if it is a croc of shit, is to ask the person who is alleged to have died if they are feeling all right. Dammit, if the assholes who are obfuscating matters spent one tenth of the time thinking on important matters, rather than their games of dead celebs, we might have a cure for cancer by the end of the year.

If you’re gonna make shit up, you might as well think big.

Who wants to hear about Australia being obliterated by a massive meteor? I just heard the news from a friend…

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