Transformers – Perversions In Disguise
Posted by BigWords on June 23, 2009
Hasbro’s metal mickey-takers are in cinemas now, and they appear to be doing well. Considering the origins of the toy line and original cartoon, the film can be looked upon as a really expensive advert for cash-in sorry, life-enhancing collectibles… Gee, y’think anyone is gonna let me write a Transformers story after this?
All of the robot jocks who appear in the cartoons, films, comics ad infinitum are based off a bunch of unrelated Japanese toy lines. They were only assimilated into a single unified universe after they got to US shores and repackaged under the supervision of Hasbro.
Which is where the problems I have with the names start…
- Bluestreak – Yeah, ’cause that’s a whole lot better than Porno Prime.
- Drag Strip – He’s a trans-something alright. And a Decepticon.
- Hot Spot – Isn’t that a slang phrase for… No. Never mind.
- Ironhide – Excuse me for asking, but why does his butt have to be so tough? I mean… What the hell is he stuffing up there?
- Hardhead – Sure, there’s absolutely no sexual connotation here whatsoever.
- Huffer – Because even junkie robots deserve an appearance in a cartoon.
- Jazz – A euphamism for a certain type of magazine, coveted by schoolboys across the world. Perfect name for the heroic second-in-command.
- Misfire – He gets excited really easily… apparently.
- Mudflap – Along with his brother Skids, and not forgetting Tracks, the scat-lovin’ sub-section of the Transformers fanbase is conveniently covered. Don’t ask in what they are covered though.
- Old Snake – The Cobra Commander (GI Joe) made an appearance in the animated series, and his name is the only one on the list which doesn’t have a hidden meaning. Oh, wait…
- Outback – Because Brokeback would have been too obvious.
- Ramhorn – I swear I’m not making these names up – he was in the animated movie.
- Seaspray – A robot named after the splash of salty liquid. Don’t get any in your eye – it’ll sting.
- Skids – see Mudflap.
- Slag – The only robot in the series who comes from Essex.
- Tailgate – If I need to explain the reason this name is wrong, then you’re reading the wrong blog.
- Thrust – Aw hell, It’s getting to the point where I have nothing more disturbing to add than what is already there.
- Tracks – see Mudflap.
- Trailbreaker – I’m not going to dignify this one with any explanations. If I did, I would probably get lynched.
- Wildrider – This one is another Decepticon, and his name is… disturbing. In any number of ways.
- Windcharger – Again, this one I’m going to leave to your imagination.
They weren’t kidding when they said ‘more than meets the eye’.